Parents vs. Gd

Hi,

"How do we know that if one's father says to him, 'Become impure [to retrieve a lost object]' or 'Do not return [a lost object]', one should not listen? Leviticus 19:3 says, 'You should revere your mother and father, and you shall guard my Sabbaths; I am G-d.' All of you are obligated in My honour."

(Talmud, Bava Metzia 32a)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

The 48th mitzvah: Striking a parent

Hi,

Mitzvah 48 (per the count of Sefer haChinuch) prohibits children from striking their parents. This prohibition may seem redundant, given the standing biblical prohibition against striking any person, but striking a parent is even worse: (1) It is an expression of ingratitude for their ultimate gift of life, and (2) It is an assault on G-d, because of the partnership our parents established with G-d in creating us.

One might ask that this prohibition is still redundant, given that we are already commanded to honour our parents. However, the Minchat Chinuch notes that adding this prohibition has three direct impacts: (1) The penalty for violation becomes more harsh, (2) The path of repentance for a prohibition is more difficult, and (3) Like for any prohibition, one is required to spend all of his funds to avoid violation.

Have a great day,

Mordechai

Honour your elder sibling

Hi,

The 33rd mitzvah, honouring one's parents, is frequently described (such as Talmud Yerushalmi Peah 1:1) as the most difficult mitzvah in the Torah, because there is no limit on the efforts required to repay our debt to those who partnered with HaShem to give us life, and who devoted years of their lives to raising us.

This mitzvah is divided into two categories: mora (Reverence) and kavod (Honour). Mora refers to displays of respect, such as not using our parents' seats and not contradicting them. Kavod refers to actions which actively provide honour, such as providing meals or dressing them.

The Talmud (Ketuvot 103a) teaches that one is also obligated to honour an older brother. According to Ramban, this is specifically while the parents are alive, because they wish for him to be honoured. However, the Minchat Chinuch understood Rambam to require such honour even after the parents have passed away. One is also obligated to honour an older sister; see sources cited in Torah Temimah to Shemot 20, note 86.

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honouring Parents or Living in Israel

Hi,

"Indeed, honouring one's parents is a great mitzvah, to the point that the Torah equates it with the mitzvah of honouring G-d. (Bava Metzia 32a, Yerushalmi Peah 1:1) However, the mitzvah of settling Israel overrides the mitzvah of honouring parents. The midrash (Sifri Reeh) is known, "Once R' Yehudah ben Beteirah, R' Matya ben Charash and R' Chanina, nephew of R' Yehoshua were leaving Israel. They reached a market and remembered Israel, and raised their eyes to heaven, and their tears ran down and they tore their clothing, and they recited, 'And you shall conquer it and you shall dwell there, and you shall guard all of the laws to practice them,' teaching that settling Israel is equal to all of the mitzvot."

"According to Ramban (Sefer haMitzvot and Bamidbar 33:53), the mitzvah of settling Israel is a biblical commandment, applicable today; Rashbatz and Rashbash agreed. Even per Rambam that the mitzvah is rabbinic [per the understanding of Kenesset haGedolah], it is still a mitzvah great enough to override rabbinic prohibitions, as seen in Gittin 8b…

"The sages have already said, "If one's father would tell him to violate Shabbat or not to return a lost object, could he listen? The Torah says, 'You shall revere your mother and father, and guard My Shabbatot; I am G-d.' All of you are obligated to honour Me." Here, too, if his father would tell him to erase the mitzvah of living in Israel, he could not listen, for he and his father are obligated in the mitzvah of settling Israel.

"Indeed, Rashbatz did write (3:288) that one may leave Israel to learn Torah or to honour parents; he said there is a biblical mitzvah of living in Israel, but he said the mitzvah of honouring parents overrides it. However, even for Torah study one may leave Israel only in order to return to Israel! (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Melachim 5:9; Tosafot Avodah Zarah 13a) Perhaps Rashbatz only permitted leaving Israel to honour one's parents in order to return to Israel. This is also seen in Kiddushin 31b…

"In sum: There is nothing comparable to the mitzvah of living in Israel... and especially when one intends to live there for the sake of the mitzvah, and to fulfill all of the land-related mitzvot. Therefore, one should not listen to a parent who tells him not to ascend to the land. Certainly, then, one who already merits to live in the land, and whose parent then instructs him to leave, may not listen to him, for the mitzvah of living in Israel overrides the mitzvah of honouring parents, especially since his parents are also instructed to ascend and live in the land."

אמנם כיבוד אב ואם מצוה גדולה היא, עד ששקל הכתוב מצוה זו למצות כיבודו של הקב"ה, וכמו שאמרו חז"ל במסכת בבא מציעא (דף ל"ב ע"א), וכן בירושלמי פאה (פרק א' הלכה א'). אולם מצות ישיבת ארץ ישראל דוחה מצות כיבוד אב ואם, כי נודע מה שאמרו חז"ל בספרי פרשת ראה: מעשה ברבי יהודה בן בתירא ורבי מתיא בן חרש ורבי חנינא בן אחי ורבי יהושע, שהיו יוצאין לחוץ לארץ, והגיעו לפלטיא, ונזכרו מארץ ישראל, זקפו עיניהם וזלגו דמעותיהם וקרעו בגדיהם, וקראו המקרא הזה: וירשתם אותה וישבתם בה, ושמרתם לעשות את כל החוקים והמשפטים, לומר לך ששקולה ישיבת ארץ ישראל כנגד כל המצות. ע"כ.

ולדעת הרמב"ן בספר המצות, וכן בפירושו על התורה (במדבר פרק ל"ג פסוק נ"ג), מצות ישיבה בארץ ישראל היא מצות עשה מן התורה, ונוהגת גם בזמן הזה. וכן הסכים הרשב"ץ בספר זוהר הרקיע (סימן רכ"ו). וכן כתב בשו"ת הרשב"ש (סימן א' והלאה). ואף לדעת הרמב"ם שסובר שהיא מצוה מדברי סופרים, וכמו שכתב בכנסת הגדולה יורה דעה (סימן רל"ט אות ל"ג) בדעת הרמב"ם, מכל מקום היא מצוה גדולה שדוחה שבות של דבריהם, וכמבואר בגיטין (ח' ע"ב)...

והנה כבר אמרו חז"ל (ביבמות ו' ע"א). הרי שאמר לו אביו לחלל שבת או שלא להשיב אבידה לבעליה, יכול ישמע לו, תלמוד לומר איש אמו ואביו תיראו ואת שבתותי תשמורו אני ד', כולכם חייבים בכבודי, ואף כאן אם יאמר לו אביו לבטל מצות ישיבה בארץ ישראל, לא ישמע לו, שהוא ואביו חייבים במצות יישוב ארץ ישראל...

ואמנם בשו"ת הרשב"ץ חלק ג' (סימן רפ"ח) כתב, שאסור לצאת מארץ ישראל לחוץ לארץ אלא למצות תלמוד תורה ולמצות כיבוד אב ואם. ומבואר שאף לדעתו שיש מצוה מן התורה בישיבת ארץ ישראל, מכל מקום מצות כיבוד אב ואם דוחה מצוה זו. אולם הרי גם למצות תלמוד תורה לא הותר לצאת לחוץ לארץ אלא על מנת לחזור לארץ ישראל, וכמו שמבואר ברמב"ם (בפרק ה' מהלכות מלכים הלכה ט'), וכן כתבו התוספות בעבודה זרה (י"ג ע"א). ולכן יש לומר שגם הרשב"ץ לא התיר לצאת מארץ ישראל לחוץ לארץ למצות כיבוד אב ואם אלא כשיוצא על מנת לחזור. וכן מצינו בגמרא (קידושין ל"א ע"ב)...

בסיכום: מצות ישיבה בארץ ישראל אין ערוך אליה... ובמיוחד כשהכוונה להתיישב בארץ ישראל לשם מצוה, ולקיים בה כל המצות התלויות בארץ. ולכן אם צוהו אביו שלא לעלות לארץ אל ישמע לו. ומכל שכן שהזוכה להתיישב בארץ, וציוהו אביו לרדת מהארץ לחוץ לארץ, שבודאי אסור לשמוע לו, כי מצות ישיבת ארץ ישראל דוחה למצות כיבוד אב ואם, ובפרט שגם הוריו מצווים לעלות ולהתיישב בארץ.

(Rav Ovadia Yosef, Yechaveh Daat 4:49)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

A perverse form of honour

Hi,

What would you do?

"Rabbi Yishmael's mother came and complained to the sages. She scolded him, saying, 'My son does not accord me honour!'

"The sages' faces reddened; they said, 'Can it be that Rabbi Yishmael does not accord his progenitors honour?!' They asked her, 'What did he do to you?'

"She replied: When he comes home from the rabbinic gatherings, I want to wash his feet and drink the water, and he won't allow it!

"The sages told Rabbi Yishmael: This is her desire, and this is her honour."

(Talmud Yerushalmi, Peah 1:1)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Caring for one's parents

Hi,

"If one's father or mother develops dementia, he should try to act according to their wishes until Gd has mercy upon them. If he cannot bear it because they have become extremely irrational, he should leave and instruct others to manage them in the manner befitting them."

(Maimonides, Mishneh Torah Hilchot Mamrim 6:10)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Four worthy endeavors

Hi,

"There are four endeavors which bring a person fruit in this world, while the essential reward is held over for the next world. Three are:
Honoring one's parents,
Performing acts of kindness,
Bringing peace between people.
Studying Torah is parallel to all of these."

(Avot deRabbi Natan 40:1)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Rebbe's instructions to his children

Hi,

"When Rebbe was dying, he said, 'I need my children.' His children entered, and he told them: Be careful of your mother's honor. In addition, make sure that the lamp will always be lit in its place, the table should always be set in its place, and the bed should always be arranged in its place."

(Talmud, Ketuvot 103a)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Rav Asi and his mother

Hi,

This story is complex, and admits of multiple explanations:

"Rav Asi's elder mother said, 'I want jewelry,' and he made it for her. She said, 'I want a man," and he said he would seek one. She said, 'I want one as good as you,' and he left her and went to Israel. He heard that she was coming after him, and he asked R' Yochanan, 'May one leave Israel?' R' Yochanan replied, 'No." He asked, 'What about to greet my mother?' He said, 'I don't know.' He delayed a bit, then came back to R' Yochanan, who said, 'Asi, if you want to go back, may Gd return you there in peace.'

"Rav Asi went to R' Elazar and asked, 'Gd-forbid, is he [R' Yochanan] angry?' He replied, 'What did he say to you?' He said, 'May Gd return you there in peace.' R' Elazar said, 'If he was angry at you, he would not have blessed you.'

"By then he heard that his mother's casket had arrived. He said, 'Had I known, I would not have left.'"

(Talmud, Kiddushin 31b)

המצפה לישועה,
Mordechai

Dama ben Netina and his mother

Hi,


A talmudic illustration of proper honour for one's parents:

"Rav Dimi reported that once Dama ben Netina was wearing a golden garment and sitting among the Roman aristocrats, and his mother came and tore off his garment, slapped him on the head and spat in his face. He did not embarrass her."

(Talmud, Kiddushin 31a)

המצפה לישועה,
Mordechai

Money isn't everything

Hi,

"Avimi, son of Rabbi Avahu, taught: There are those who feed their parents pheasant and yet push them from the world, and there are those who make their parents work at the mill and yet bring them into the next world."

(Talmud, Kiddushin 31a-b)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Mitzvot with reward here and in the next world

Hi,

"Four endeavors bring a person fruit in this world, while their essential reward is held over for the next world. Three are: Honoring one's parents, Performing acts of kindness and Bringing peace between people. Studying Torah is parallel to all of these."

(Avot deRabbi Natan 40:1)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honoring Gd, Honoring Parents

Hi,

"Honoring one's parents is greater than honoring Gd, for Gd instituted greater requirements for their honor than for his."

(Talmud Yerushalmi Peah 1:5)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Call your parents

Hi,

"One who leaves his parents’ town to travel to a dangerous place, such that his parents are fasting or at least in pain [while worrying about the danger], is obligated to hire a messenger as soon as possible to write to his parents that he has made it through the dangerous area and arrived at his destination. This way they will not be pained or fast further."

(Sefer Chasidim 576)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Parental honor

Hi,

"When the sages said, 'If a parent forgives his honor, it is forgiven,' that is only in terms of human-executed justice. In Divine justice, a child is still liable for showing disrespect to a parent."

(Sefer Chasidim 573)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Making light of a child's impropriety

Hi,

"A sage entered the home of a righteous Jew, and that righteous Jew had small children who would address each other by saying, 'Son of a Zonah [promiscuous woman], give us such-and-such.' The righteous Jew laughed.

"The sage said: Children who already know what 'son of a Zonah' means are accountable if they slander or curse their parents. Even if their parents are not offended, we may not permit them to slander, curse or strike their parents!"

(Sefer Chasidim 543)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Honor your mother

Hi,

"When Rabbi Tarfon's mother wished to ascend to her bed, he would bend down and pick her up. When she wished to descend, she descended upon him.

"When Rabbi Tarfon spoke of this in the beit midrash, the sages said to him, 'You still have not reached even half of the obligation for honor! Has she thrown a wallet into the sea, and you have refrained from embarrassing her?"

(Talmud, Kiddushin 31b)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Mitzvot with great reward

Hi,

"Four activities give a person dividends in this world, even as the main reward remains for the next world:

1. Honoring one's parents

2. Helping others

3. Bringing peace between people

4. Studying Torah, which is parallel to all of the above."

(Avot d'Rabbi Natan 40:1)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Parental advice

Hi,


"Listen, my son, to the rebuke of your father, and do not reject the Torah of your mother. They are an escort of favor for your head, and a [golden] necklace for your throat."

(Mishlei [Proverbs] 1:8-9)

Have a great day,
Mordechai

Proper memorials

Hi,

Regarding the practice of reciting Kaddish, leading davening or reading the Haftorah in memory of a relative, I am often asked whether it is acceptable to hire someone else to do those things. Here is an interesting note along those lines:

"It would be appropriate for a son who would honor his parent to know his place and not trust in himself to recite Kaddish, Haftorah or davening until he goes to a learned person first to examine him. If he cannot do these things, it would be better for him to hire a learned person to learn and recite Kaddish and lead davening for the memory of his father and mother."

(R' Eliezer Papo, Pele Yoetz, Kibbud Av va'Em)

Have a great day,
Mordechai